4/8/17
Dear diary,
Today is Saturday, April 8th, 2017. Today, I have been thinking a lot. Often I find myself in these moods. Moods, in which I just can't seem to shake. It's not every day I feel this way. However, it is more often than I would like, and I just don't feel like me. I would describe myself as a pretty happy person. When I'm in a good mood, I'm in a GOOD mood, to the point where I may be a little obnoxious; think talking a lot, singing, being goofy, basically high... but on life ;) Funny, because it's something my Dad and I seem to have in common. When I'm up, I'm UP, but when I'm down, I'm down... and it's hard to find my way out. Now, I'm not saying I'm depressed or using this as a way to get people to feel bad for me. Instead I'm sharing this with you, because I know I'm not alone. I find comfort in writing this, and knowing that someone out there, may be feeling the same way, and that we can relate.
I get down, I get irritated at my loved ones, I become judgmental of myself. I start comparing, I begin questioning the decisions I've made in my life, and wonder if those decisions were the right ones. I feel unmotivated, I feel anxious, I feel sad. I am honestly ALWAYS in my own head, thinking about something. Always, thinking. Being so into nutrition, I can't help myself and have begun thinking it is something in my diet that is making me feel this angst. OR could this just be me trying to find an excuse, and it really has to do with something deep inside me?
When I do get in these moods I try to think positive, I try to do things that will turn my frown upside down. I pretend smile/laugh, I try and think about all the GOOD I have in my life and my millions of reasons to be thankful. I try really hard not to just sit there and feel sorry for myself. That's not the type of personality I have. I am a person who tries to make changes for the better, when possible. However, haven't you had those moods you just can't seem to shake? That's me, 3/5 days. Literally with only the slightest idea of why I'm actually feeling this way. How is this? How do I not know why I'm feeling down? I should know myself best, right? Well, a lot of the time I don't find this to be true. I feel like more often than not I'm on the go and I don't take the time to be mindful of how I'm actually feeling. It's easy these days to get so caught up in life that we don't take the time to ask ourselves, how are you? Why is it so easy to do this?
Today I woke up in a funk. I worked out, and majority of the time this makes me feel 455655467 times better, but not today. I was in one of those moods. However, today, today I decided to think about why I was feeling the way I felt. So read below to see why Kelsey felt like poop today!
- My post on Instagram didn't receive the amount of engagement I thought it would. My mind: Omg no one likes my content. WHAT. ( Me now: WHY do I let this get me down??)
- I feel like I have barely any money to pay for things I want to pay for, like fun healthy food products, or cute clothes.
- I have homework to worry about, and a week full of school ahead of me. Where my days consist of hours upon hours of lecture.
- I live at home, and want my own place to live.
- I have to babysit.
- I wish I had a personal training job.
- I don't look as toned as I used to.
After thinking about all that was upsetting me I decide to write down all that I had to be thankful for. See below
- I have an awesome boyfriend
- My parents are happily married, and love me unconditionally.
- I have 3 of the best big sisters, who would do anything for me.
- I have 3 nephews, and 2 nieces who are growing into such beautiful/handsome/wise little humans right before my eyes.
- I have a house to live in.
- I have clothes to wear.
- I have a car to drive.
- I have money to pay my bills, and it may not be a lot, but enough to buy me groceries for the week. Even if it's just veggies, fruit, and meat.
- I am so lucky to have the opportunity to work so many little, well paying side jobs while I'm attending school, where working a full time job isn't realistic.
- I am so thankful to have been able to start a blog, where I can share my passion for health and wellness with others.
- I am so happy to have begun Instagram and to have grown such a following. I'm happy if my posts impact at least one person.
- I am so grateful for the fact I can hop out of bed every morning, and exercise if I feel like it.
- I am so grateful to be able to attend school at Bastyr, a school whose beliefs fully align with my own.
- I am thankful to be able to learn.
- I am thankful to have the hair, skin, body, teeth, eyes, mouth, and nose I have.. because that is what makes me, me.
So what good is making a list anyway? Well, from these lists I was able to see that I had a hell of a lot more to be thankful for. Sure, I had a good list of things that were putting me in a mood. But I had a much bigger list of things that should bring me out of it.
After reviewing these lists it opened my eyes, and I decided to try to change my outlook. I came to babysit. I put my phone away, forgot about Instagram and focused on being present. I played a hide the block game, restaurant, and did an art project with one of the little girls. What's funny, is this little girl had NO idea I was feeling some sort of way, and yet she still managed to cheer me up. As we were doing our art project we made pictures for each other, then stuck them in the "mailbox". I opened my mailbox to a beautiful picture full of colorful rainbows, fireworks, as well as, me, her, and her sister so perfectly placed in there. On the back she wrote, "Kelsey I LOVE YOU, you are a good babe sider". She's 5, and besides my spelling of my name, she did this completely on her own. That was special. That made me realize that life really isn't all that bad.
On top of enjoying my time with the little girls I was babysitting, I just so happened to come across a book sitting upon the shelf of their home. The book I came across was, "The Happiness Project". Ironically enough, THIS was the book that first caught my eye. Funny how the world works. Sending you signs to DO SOMETHING to make things better and/or the way you would like them to be. I love reading, so I picked up the book and began to read through the first few pages. Within those pages I could already connect to this book. I already felt like what I was reading was allowing me to have a change of mindset. Therefore, I asked to borrow the book and have taken it in as my current read. I will most definitely keep you guys posted about what my thoughts are, and if it's something I found useful.
Moral of the story is......we all have our rough days. Let's find comfort in that. Find comfort in the fact that we ALL have them. Not one of us is living a perfect life, curve balls are thrown at us all the time. Therefore, we are all in this together. While it's tough to have a perfect life, it IS possible to create the life you want to live, and make the most out of it! So when you're feeling down, allow yourself to feel, and then practice being mindful and figure out where these emotions are coming from.
-xoxo Kels
** Note: This is a diary post. Not meant to be perfectly punctuated, may be a little scattered in thought, but its real. This was me putting my emotions down, because I wanted to show that while I am often very happy, I have my struggles too.**